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Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Days like this...
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Trust and the Hawk
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Sometimes...I doubt
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Waiting
Bruce went back to Nica for 10 days a few weeks ago. I had no way of going. It pained me beyond what has been the norm. I was angry. It was a slow week. And I stewed in self pity. It was the only way I thought to survive. I prayed for him and the team and did my usual worry and duties around the home.
This winter has been one for the records. .between snow and cold the tropics are yelling my name...loud.
It was mid week and we were hunkered down for yet another snow storm. The pantry was full to over flowing. My family safe and warm.
Then there was a knock at the door. We had befriend two preteen girls down the street. And it was the youngest. She had a box in hand asking if I would buy these items so that her mom and sister could eat.
It stopped me short. These kind of things don't happen in America. In my head I am questioning do they have food stamps? Do they have welfare? Are they playing me the fool?
About 3 months ago a lady came to our door asking for bus fare and I turned her away because I doubted her story. It has haunted me since...
I tell A. To hold on I have no money but have food. I tell her if she needs money come back tomorrow and I will buy the goods.
I loaded up the bag with some items and hand them back to her she is grateful and leaves to go home.
I watch her skinny frame dissappear into the snow storm and then I understood. My calling is here for the time being at home. My healing comes in the doubts, the fears and stumblings.
If someone else comes to the door again I will make sure I have bus fare ready...
Who Me?
But, and this is a big confession, I walked away in 2001. I walked away from God, the Church, from every thing that I thought was true. And I ran. I ran into buddhism, the tao and essentially hedonism. It was about me. God had not delivered my dreams and desires.
During the 90's I was a good girl. I read my bible. I did the bible studies. Was a stay at home mom. In reality I was dying inside and I did not know why. I thought that if I could just love God more, be the perfect wife be what ever it was every one else was doing I would be ok. But it wasn't so. I was hurting. Dealing with a past that haunted me to the point that I needed drugs and alcohol to function properly in public. People scared me.
My first marriage fell apart. The covenant that I had made with God I had broken and I thought that I- yes I was beyond all hope. So I walked away.
During the 10 years of wandering I would dream. Dream of church, dream of worship. To few of my christian friends I mouthed that I believed but my behaviour and heart told me otherwise. The happiest times in my life during the 10 year wandering was 1. getting sober 2. literally dreaming of worship at night.
During the 10 year stint Bruce and I got married. We mouthed God but did not live it. Our marriage was falling apart too.
Two years ago I started going to intensive therapy to deal with deep wounds. I thought initially that I was going to save Bruce and my marriage. In reality it was the deep cleansing of a shattered soul.
On Easter of 2012 I walked into church again (that tale is for another blog). Suffice it to say I was on my knees that night giving all back to the Lord. My husband joined me at church the next weekend and we came home for good to God.
During this journey from when I was 18 and first *saved* I had a desire to do missions work. Family told me no. Of late last year I knew that I wasn't ready....yet. Then December of 2013 I went for 4 days. I came back changed. I lived 2 years in those 4 days. Had my heart and soul rearranged in such a way that Nicarauga and the people there consume my heart and soul. Remember how I was scared (and still am at times) of people? That was gone when I was there.
So I question at times...who me? God, you know my messy past..God you know my heart...and He so lovingly answers back in the stillness of here and now...Yes YOU..