Silence in the Journey

Since Easter of this year I have been silent. The nagging to get back to writing has been immense but I honestly thought I had nothing to offer. I had hit a wall hard. I was questioning God hard. I really did not like Him.

My faith had been coming back in waves. I thought that my faith was big. God was doing a, b, c, in my life. But I found myself afraid in the midst of the giant faith. I found myself bargaining with God. And really I am embarrassed by it. My faith had become superstitious and dependent on the fact that God would do this if this came out a certain way. And I mean I was wrapped up in this obsession in daily mundane tasks. I thought God and I were great! I had Jesus in my back pocket. He approved of me because I was good. I was reading the Bible, I was praying, I was healing...doing the Christian thing...despite my panic...

Then an outside word entered my prayer life. The P word. Preparation. I started daily praying for the team going down to Nicaragua in June of this year. I started asking God to prepare me...us (my husband and I) for the trip. I had God in my back pocket. My assumptions were good, the nagging terror always there.

It happened. The preparation prayer revealed areas in my life that shook my foundation of faith. At one point I wailed to my friend...I have nowhere else to go but God. How could He take my superstitious faith and remove it for nothing. Not even a mustard seed iota of belief. And the funny thing is in the midst of nothing there was something.

I sat still.

I was silent.

I let myself grieve before God.

I was angry.

I was questioning.

I was just being.

I did not want to go to Nicaragua. How could I when I was a mess. I had to be perfect. My rabbit's foot faith was blown to smithereens. I had nothing to hold on to.

That is how I entered my homeland on June 14, 2014. For 7 days.

The P word that I prayed. Preparation.

Those 7 days there...in Poneloya, Nicaragua became wonder filled, rich days where I lived 5 years in one day..

I was greeted with a migraine the first full morning there. I did no bargaining with God. I did not look for signs. I simply asked Him to help me cope and move on with the day. The migraine was eased by my meds. And I moved on.

Was the trip hard? Yes. Was it easy? Yes. Was I prepared? Yes. Am I still preparing yes. Was I unprepared most definitely yes. But in the midst of my brokeness and unbelief...I was ok. I was listening...God and

Nicaragua is still calling...

http://velvetashes.com/the-grove-prepare/

Sometimes...I doubt

Sometimes I fear. I lie awake at night trying to hammer out what God has planned for us to do. I toss, I turn. This is where my faith gets hammered out. To trust a Big God with my little faith. I still sit back in amazement at where we are heading with this... For example: it takes months to years to own land in Nicaragua. Well in our feeble, stumbling case it took 2 weeks. And I question. Yes I have the audacity to question this God who moves. The friends in Poneloya took time out of their lives to help us. They want us down there. They have called us family. Back to my missionless heart...yesterday I battled the doubt. I battled the longing. I battled the unknown. And in the midst of the battle God gave more confirmation though a 3rd party that He sees and knows. I shared with my community group my doubts. I was ashamed to say what they were. No one looked on me like I was less than...And they prayed for us. It will be two years since like the prodigal I came home. Easter Sunday. Where I laid it back down for the final time. And since then it has been a whirlwind of blessings. A time of profound healing...A time of profound doubt. In the midst of the calling He has been faithful. With scripture, with song, with my heart's cry to Him. After a pretty much sleepless night on my way to work Bruce shares a song with me that comes over the radio.. He comments this is song where I raise my hand when I drive and people think I am crazy because of... So I listened and wept. The longing of my heart for the vision and longing of God in my life...

Waiting

Bruce went back to Nica for 10 days a few weeks ago. I had no way of going. It pained me beyond what has been the norm. I was angry. It was a slow week.  And I stewed in self pity. It was the only way I thought to survive. I prayed for him and the team and did my usual worry and duties around the home.

This winter has been one for the records. .between snow and cold the tropics are yelling my name...loud.

It was mid week and we were hunkered down for yet another snow storm. The pantry was full to over flowing. My family safe and warm.

Then there was a knock at the door. We had befriend two preteen girls down the street. And it was the youngest. She had a box in hand asking if I would buy these items so that her mom and sister could eat.

It stopped me short. These kind of things don't happen in America. In my head I am questioning do they have food stamps? Do they have welfare? Are they playing me the fool?

About 3 months ago a lady came to our door asking for bus fare and I turned her away because I doubted her story. It has haunted me since...

I tell A. To hold on I have no money but have food. I tell her if she needs money come back tomorrow and I will buy the goods.

I loaded up the bag with some items and hand them back to her she is grateful and leaves to go home.

I watch her skinny frame dissappear into the snow storm and then I understood.  My calling is here for the time being at home. My healing comes in the doubts, the fears and stumblings.

If someone else comes to the door again I will make sure I have bus fare ready...

Who Me?

In December I had a serious 4 day trip to Nicaragua. To qualify this Bruce has been going down for over 10 years. I at the time did not feel the urge to go but at the same time felt a pang. A hunger to do the same.

But, and this is a big confession, I walked away in 2001. I walked away from God, the Church, from every thing that I thought was true. And I ran. I ran into buddhism, the tao and essentially hedonism. It was about me. God had not delivered my dreams and desires.

During the 90's I was a good girl. I read my bible. I did the bible studies. Was a stay at home mom. In reality I was dying inside and I did not know why. I thought that if I could just love God more, be the perfect wife be what ever it was every one else was doing I would be ok. But it wasn't so. I was hurting. Dealing with a past that haunted me to the point that I needed drugs and alcohol to function properly in public. People scared me.

My first marriage fell apart. The covenant that I had made with God I had broken and I thought that I- yes I was beyond all hope. So I walked away.

During the 10 years of wandering I would dream. Dream of church, dream of worship. To few of my christian friends I mouthed that I believed but my behaviour and heart told me otherwise. The happiest times in my life during the 10 year wandering was 1. getting sober 2. literally dreaming of worship at night.

During the 10 year stint Bruce and I got married. We mouthed God but did not live it. Our marriage was falling apart too.

Two years ago I started going to intensive therapy to deal with deep wounds. I thought initially that I was going to save Bruce and my marriage. In reality it was the deep cleansing of a shattered soul.

On Easter of 2012 I walked into church again (that tale is for another blog). Suffice it to say I was on my knees that night giving all back to the Lord. My husband joined me at church the next weekend and we came home for good to God.

During this journey from when I was 18 and first *saved* I had a desire to do missions work. Family told me no. Of late last year I knew that I wasn't ready....yet. Then December of 2013 I went for 4 days. I came back changed. I lived 2 years in those 4 days. Had my heart and soul rearranged in such a way that Nicarauga and the people there consume my heart and soul. Remember how I was scared (and still am at times) of people? That was gone when I was there.

So I question at times...who me? God, you know my messy past..God you know my heart...and He so lovingly answers back in the stillness of here and now...Yes YOU..