Silence in the Journey

Since Easter of this year I have been silent. The nagging to get back to writing has been immense but I honestly thought I had nothing to offer. I had hit a wall hard. I was questioning God hard. I really did not like Him.

My faith had been coming back in waves. I thought that my faith was big. God was doing a, b, c, in my life. But I found myself afraid in the midst of the giant faith. I found myself bargaining with God. And really I am embarrassed by it. My faith had become superstitious and dependent on the fact that God would do this if this came out a certain way. And I mean I was wrapped up in this obsession in daily mundane tasks. I thought God and I were great! I had Jesus in my back pocket. He approved of me because I was good. I was reading the Bible, I was praying, I was healing...doing the Christian thing...despite my panic...

Then an outside word entered my prayer life. The P word. Preparation. I started daily praying for the team going down to Nicaragua in June of this year. I started asking God to prepare me...us (my husband and I) for the trip. I had God in my back pocket. My assumptions were good, the nagging terror always there.

It happened. The preparation prayer revealed areas in my life that shook my foundation of faith. At one point I wailed to my friend...I have nowhere else to go but God. How could He take my superstitious faith and remove it for nothing. Not even a mustard seed iota of belief. And the funny thing is in the midst of nothing there was something.

I sat still.

I was silent.

I let myself grieve before God.

I was angry.

I was questioning.

I was just being.

I did not want to go to Nicaragua. How could I when I was a mess. I had to be perfect. My rabbit's foot faith was blown to smithereens. I had nothing to hold on to.

That is how I entered my homeland on June 14, 2014. For 7 days.

The P word that I prayed. Preparation.

Those 7 days there...in Poneloya, Nicaragua became wonder filled, rich days where I lived 5 years in one day..

I was greeted with a migraine the first full morning there. I did no bargaining with God. I did not look for signs. I simply asked Him to help me cope and move on with the day. The migraine was eased by my meds. And I moved on.

Was the trip hard? Yes. Was it easy? Yes. Was I prepared? Yes. Am I still preparing yes. Was I unprepared most definitely yes. But in the midst of my brokeness and unbelief...I was ok. I was listening...God and

Nicaragua is still calling...

http://velvetashes.com/the-grove-prepare/

Trust and the Hawk

How do I even begin to tell of the trust? The trust that was conditional as long as all went well. I could believe You for the past two years and the future...but the past? That is where I want to cross my arms, shake my head and say no. Then this song shows up in my life on a day where I can listen to it over and over again and not be distracted?! It even says specifically trust with out borders....I want to kick and scream and say NOOOOOO. But the beckoning of the promise that YOU are there...in the vulnerability. So God, here I am. The deep waters are roaring. The mission life calling. And the past looming. I give YOU my hand...lead me to that place what ever it looks like. I will hold on to YOU. I choose too. And if the grip should falter because of my doubt I know that You hold me closer still. And God thank you for the hawk...