Sunday's Dance

Jeremiah 31:13 English Standard Version (ESV) 13 Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy;*** It was crazy yesterday. We were busy and for me at least out of my element and routine. Normally we do the 1st service at church and then go home...Yesterday was the oppisite. The church decided to have a brunch between services. There were hundreds of people in the gym and out in the courtyard eating... I like routine. I like quiet. During set up a friend of mine and I would help some then retreat to the halls of the church to check out the artwork. That was awesome. During this time I am on edge. Unsure; chaotic inside. This is where grace has to step in and cover when I am fearful. I keep telling myself that this is special a time of celebration...but I am still wary...so many people... Brunch is over and we get settled in the sanctuary to get ready for second service. Bruce realizes he has to tear down the brunch. I am panicking. Instead of placing my comfort in God I am placing my trust and comfort in a person. I want to whine that I need him but realize he needs to serve and worship in his way and I in mine. More people come in. The pews are packed. I love it. I see Bruce again but because of all the people we cannot sit together. My child heart is disappointed. But I continue on with the service. In the sweetness of grace we manage to do communion together. I am anxious. So many people… One of the beautiful traditions of Sunday is on the last hymn the children come up and dance. I long to do that…to dance. Bruce and I have talked about it. I have told him that before we go to Nicaragua I want to be up there and dance… The last song begins…He taps my shoulder and says come on…I whisper I am scared. No. He says it is ok I am going up to dance. I get out of the pew we walk down front. There is a tambourine on the floor Bruce grabs it and starts to sing. I am undone. My fear, my joy my love for God and the work He has done in our life comes down to a simple Resurrection dance with children. Though I am not dancing yet..I am touching my husband’s back in tears...Singing knowing that one day I really will dance..until that time it is enough to be scared. Unsure…but knowing the call. Knowing God and loving and believing and struggling..*** Psalm 30:11 English Standard Version (ESV) 11 You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,

Days like this...

Isaiah 44:8a (NIV) - Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. My heart tells me to be afraid. It tells me there are outside forces working against this dream. This calling. Life here in the states is a proving ground. Life right now is our preparation. I don't suddenly become a missionary because I am in a different country. My field to work in is right here. Right now. How do I treat my coworkers? How do I treat my church family? How do I treat my kids? How do I treat my husband? When I look at life in the details I get overwhelmed. I know my heart is fickle. I know that I am pathetic when it comes to other people. And this is where the marvelous grace comes in and upends my attempts and makes it beautiful. My story. My life is about grace. Grace that led me out of darkness not once, not twice but daily. I am in a recovery group. We work the 12 steps. What I find ironic when I got sober I was a good church woman gone bad. I had become a slave to self. Through grace through the 12 steps and a God who was patient called me back to Himself. I was tired of the pain. Tired of living a lie. This time of year reminds me of the desparation that I felt. The slave of self. The slave of fear. Today it is different. Today I hear "You can do it". Today I hear "Get up". Today I hear hope. The cross becomes so much bigger in the futility. When I let go of the fear I am embraced by grace. Third Step Prayer- page 63 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous God, I offer myself to Thee- To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always. I used to cling to the relieve me of the bondage of self. Today it is about working and healing of those difficulties so that I can share God's love. How? A daily adventure. Today I get to be called one of His witnesses. Humbling...