Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journey. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Sometimes...I doubt
Sometimes I fear. I lie awake at night trying to hammer out what God has planned for us to do. I toss, I turn. This is where my faith gets hammered out. To trust a Big God with my little faith. I still sit back in amazement at where we are heading with this...
For example: it takes months to years to own land in Nicaragua. Well in our feeble, stumbling case it took 2 weeks. And I question. Yes I have the audacity to question this God who moves. The friends in Poneloya took time out of their lives to help us. They want us down there. They have called us family.
Back to my missionless heart...yesterday I battled the doubt. I battled the longing. I battled the unknown. And in the midst of the battle God gave more confirmation though a 3rd party that He sees and knows. I shared with my community group my doubts. I was ashamed to say what they were. No one looked on me like I was less than...And they prayed for us.
It will be two years since like the prodigal I came home. Easter Sunday. Where I laid it back down for the final time. And since then it has been a whirlwind of blessings. A time of profound healing...A time of profound doubt. In the midst of the calling He has been faithful. With scripture, with song, with my heart's cry to Him.
After a pretty much sleepless night on my way to work Bruce shares a song with me that comes over the radio..
He comments this is song where I raise my hand when I drive and people think I am crazy because of...
So I listened and wept. The longing of my heart for the vision and longing of God in my life...
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Who Me?
In December I had a serious 4 day trip to Nicaragua. To qualify this Bruce has been going down for over 10 years. I at the time did not feel the urge to go but at the same time felt a pang. A hunger to do the same.
But, and this is a big confession, I walked away in 2001. I walked away from God, the Church, from every thing that I thought was true. And I ran. I ran into buddhism, the tao and essentially hedonism. It was about me. God had not delivered my dreams and desires.
During the 90's I was a good girl. I read my bible. I did the bible studies. Was a stay at home mom. In reality I was dying inside and I did not know why. I thought that if I could just love God more, be the perfect wife be what ever it was every one else was doing I would be ok. But it wasn't so. I was hurting. Dealing with a past that haunted me to the point that I needed drugs and alcohol to function properly in public. People scared me.
My first marriage fell apart. The covenant that I had made with God I had broken and I thought that I- yes I was beyond all hope. So I walked away.
During the 10 years of wandering I would dream. Dream of church, dream of worship. To few of my christian friends I mouthed that I believed but my behaviour and heart told me otherwise. The happiest times in my life during the 10 year wandering was 1. getting sober 2. literally dreaming of worship at night.
During the 10 year stint Bruce and I got married. We mouthed God but did not live it. Our marriage was falling apart too.
Two years ago I started going to intensive therapy to deal with deep wounds. I thought initially that I was going to save Bruce and my marriage. In reality it was the deep cleansing of a shattered soul.
On Easter of 2012 I walked into church again (that tale is for another blog). Suffice it to say I was on my knees that night giving all back to the Lord. My husband joined me at church the next weekend and we came home for good to God.
During this journey from when I was 18 and first *saved* I had a desire to do missions work. Family told me no. Of late last year I knew that I wasn't ready....yet. Then December of 2013 I went for 4 days. I came back changed. I lived 2 years in those 4 days. Had my heart and soul rearranged in such a way that Nicarauga and the people there consume my heart and soul. Remember how I was scared (and still am at times) of people? That was gone when I was there.
So I question at times...who me? God, you know my messy past..God you know my heart...and He so lovingly answers back in the stillness of here and now...Yes YOU..
But, and this is a big confession, I walked away in 2001. I walked away from God, the Church, from every thing that I thought was true. And I ran. I ran into buddhism, the tao and essentially hedonism. It was about me. God had not delivered my dreams and desires.
During the 90's I was a good girl. I read my bible. I did the bible studies. Was a stay at home mom. In reality I was dying inside and I did not know why. I thought that if I could just love God more, be the perfect wife be what ever it was every one else was doing I would be ok. But it wasn't so. I was hurting. Dealing with a past that haunted me to the point that I needed drugs and alcohol to function properly in public. People scared me.
My first marriage fell apart. The covenant that I had made with God I had broken and I thought that I- yes I was beyond all hope. So I walked away.
During the 10 years of wandering I would dream. Dream of church, dream of worship. To few of my christian friends I mouthed that I believed but my behaviour and heart told me otherwise. The happiest times in my life during the 10 year wandering was 1. getting sober 2. literally dreaming of worship at night.
During the 10 year stint Bruce and I got married. We mouthed God but did not live it. Our marriage was falling apart too.
Two years ago I started going to intensive therapy to deal with deep wounds. I thought initially that I was going to save Bruce and my marriage. In reality it was the deep cleansing of a shattered soul.
On Easter of 2012 I walked into church again (that tale is for another blog). Suffice it to say I was on my knees that night giving all back to the Lord. My husband joined me at church the next weekend and we came home for good to God.
During this journey from when I was 18 and first *saved* I had a desire to do missions work. Family told me no. Of late last year I knew that I wasn't ready....yet. Then December of 2013 I went for 4 days. I came back changed. I lived 2 years in those 4 days. Had my heart and soul rearranged in such a way that Nicarauga and the people there consume my heart and soul. Remember how I was scared (and still am at times) of people? That was gone when I was there.
So I question at times...who me? God, you know my messy past..God you know my heart...and He so lovingly answers back in the stillness of here and now...Yes YOU..
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